Single Child

Neither I am one nor I have. What prompted me to search on the subject was a young girl in her early teens, of course, single child, with peculiar problems. Most of her problems seemed minor ones but the parents were not happy. Especially the mother. Actually, it was sort of deja vu. Around two decades ago I had a similar case, a girl in early teens appearing for some important examination came to see me, accompanied by her mother, single parent, as the husband was working abroad. Again an Only Child. That's how they are referred to as, in medical literature 'Only Children' who do not have any type of sibling, half, step or otherwise, cousins barred. Every time, when the daughter tried to communicate with me, mother took the reigns of conversation in her hands and spoke for her daughter thus.' We are tired of studies, We do not want to put in more than 4 hours even though the exams are this near. We do not like homemade food but prefer junk food. We rather than playing outdoors, love to watch TV for hours.' She went on and on. The rules imposed were strict, expectations were sky high and the tone was that of patronizing. The mother did not have the opportunities so she was trying her utmost to make them available for her daughter. The word that jarred me the most was 'WE'! Having only child and husband being away, this lady, the mother was so involved, rather was so much interfering with the life of the child that her very right to be an individual was being snatched away. It was as if a working unit of mother and daughter! I tried to counsel but it was too late!

And this time it clearly dawned upon me that the problem is not with the child but with this species, the Mother!

Any specimen from this special species, is highly educated and qualified [ both are not the same, necessarily], sitting at home, either by choice or out of other compulsions, a non-working mother who Dotes, Loves, Cares Cooks for her single, Only child, 24 into 7 ! And that becomes her only passion, profession, goal, aim, to carve out an exemplary adult out of her not so above average child! Thus starts the interference with the life of a child that continues even after they are beyond milk-drinking age, metaphorically and in a truer sense also! If the only child is the daughter 'God Forbid...!'

She takes decisions not only about his/her hobbies but with whom the child should befriend! If the standards are not met with, on any level, the friend is cut off though the child vibes well with him/her. One of my aunts cut off many such friends of my cousin, an only child, but every time he went ahead and befriended one of his kind, which my aunt never liked but never realized that it was her son who wanted so! 

Once, one of my acquaintances had come to stay with us, as her 'M.B.B.S.' daughter was to appear for 'M.D.' entrance exams. While we chatted away, this mother of a daughter, checked ten ball pens whether they were writing good or not, so that the child should not face any problem while writing the answers! Another one was doling out instructions after instructions to her only son who was pursuing a degree in higher engineering at out of the station prestigious institution, so naturally was staying in a hostel! She was just not allowing him to bloom on his own terms at his own will! Another one, 'Only' daughter forced her husband to give up his high post lucrative job in plush Europe to take up one in the arid Middle East where expatriates live life in nothing but Ghettos!

The values to be inculcated are not done at the gunpoint! Children pick them up while growing up, by observing their near and dear ones, especially their parents, how they behave in the given situation, are they true to their word, is the love true, are they pushing too much, Oh, it depends on so many things! And there is a certain age to imbibe, beyond that, the child either becomes mama's boy, thus getting ridiculed by the peer or rebels, that's but natural because in my opinion the one who does not rebel by raising the questions against the ill-conceived traditions, is not fit enough to call himself a youth! To rebel is the right of youth!

Unfortunately, the phenomenon is new to Indian society where multiple children is still a norm. Only recently this trend is catching on. So we don't have much research on the subject in the Indian context! Because of 'One Child' per family' policy in China, the subject was studied extensively, but there too, the focus was on the child and not on the circumstances those forced the child to become what he/she turned out to be! Wisely policy was withdrawn in 2005 for a multitude of reasons. Increase in crime rate being one! Consensus among-st the researchers is' These children do not have 'Agreeableness'. Naturally, as the indulgence by the parents especially the mothers, in Indian context 'Non-Working' mothers is beyond agreeable limits, which is done in full faith that 'It's done for the well being of the child !' Sorry I disagree, If you don't want your child to rebel, leave the noose, loose!

Gulabjam

After watching 'Gulabjam' a Marathi film on a man chef [ A rare concept in Marathi middle class milieu], or who wants to be one, one of my friends commented,'Less Milk solids, [Khawa], more flour, [Maida]'. Very aptly put. Though it's now running in its 4th or 5th week, damn a good show for a Marathi movie, I too had found it insipid. It does have all the ingredients to make a good film but somewhere along the line, it has missed the bull's eye. It does not have that 'Zing!'

But let me assure you that to make real 'Gulabjam'; too is equally arduous. Ask me.

I do like to dabble in the kitchen, as it's like a catharsis, as well as it's extremely creative, but it was never my dream to be a chef like, how they say in Master Chef. I have come a long way from.' I can't or He can not, make even a good cup of tea' Which I can not because I am a coffee person!

Today after experimenting for the nth time I may be in a position to say, I can dole out 'Gulabjams' those are mostly edible.

I started with Khawa, made especially for Gulabjams, that came from Pune. Pune is famous for it and gets it from nearby rural areas made by the local farmers. Though I could not differentiate it from the usual one! I had a vague idea about, how to go about, but to make the en-devour really successful, I referred the cookbooks and after referring the cookbooks I got more confused! There were one thousand and one recipes alone, under the subject. Some used Paneer, some did not, some used baking soda, while some, baking powder, [what's the difference ?]. Proportions of the ingredients to be added to Khawa, too changed drastically, from negligible to practically more than 50%. I decided to use my instincts and went ahead.

All-purpose flour I concluded must be as a binder, so has to be used meagerly, while semolina gives the Gulabjam that luscious grainy consistency, so has to be little liberal. Yes, at this juncture I have to tell you that I don't go by absolute measures. It's too mechanical, food has to have 'Life' in it! I decided to put a pinch of baking powder. Kneaded soft semi creamy dough with milk. And the crux of the matter! Let it be little flowy, this consistency makes Gulabjam absolutely spongy but, big big but, if it's too flowy the batter will spread in the oil so, make the balls and refrigerate for 30 minutes or so before you fry them in oil on low medium heat, which too is most important because they should turn golden gradually on low flame otherwise the crust is black and the core remains uncooked. Syrup too throws tantrums if not made properly. If too much of water, Gulabjams taste lacklustre and too thick a syrup does not sip in and you end up with hard balls!

Though my first attempt was victorious subsequent attempts bombed miserably. And my pride came crashing down. I felt I won't be able to make them so perfectly again. The second attempt was not less than a horror film. Khawa by that time, had gone stale. And I used baking soda in place of powder. As soon as the balls were in the oil, they refused to stay together and spread all over the wok! I was flabbergasted. Did not know what to do. To reduce the percentage of soda I added more flour and the effect at the outset looked acceptable. Balls floated well in oil, did not break but once in the syrup, they refused to budge. Even after soaking them for hours, syrup simply could not penetrate and they became tough nuts to crack! Could not dare to offer them to anybody, stealthily I finished them off over the days, maybe weeks!

Tried using milk powder in place of Khawa. To get good Khawa in our part of Mumbai is like getting a blue rose ! The recipe was good, edible, tasted good but the milk powder did not give up its characteristic flavour. So it was not the real thing!  Then I came upon a novel way to make Khawa at home. Of course, the source was network! Mix milk powder, full cream, milk and clarified butter in a pan and boil it, stirring all the time, till it solidifies into creamy Khawa. I assure you it tastes equally good.

The rest was as usual.

If Khawa is 5 parts, add two parts of semolina, one part of all-purpose flour, a pinch [ about 5 gms], not more than that at all, of baking soda, as the baking powder has a shelf life and after a time it loses it verve and most important, a teaspoonful of lemon juice! The reaction between the acid of the lemon and bicarb soda releases carbon dioxide and that makes your Gulabjam most fluffy and spongy! As said before resting in the fridge for 30 minutes or so make Gulabjam perfect. Try them I now have mastered the art! Come any time home, I am in need of guinea pigs !!!

Love: Myriads of Shades

To all those Love Lorn Souls
I am not a good reader. I prefer not to be. I was a voracious reader in my school days and teens but when I graduated into intellectual adult world I realized that it corrupts your thinking process and you start mouthing somebody else's thoughts. So I stopped, but not altogether. But you can not get away with somethings that you cherished as a youth. These words by Gulzar lingered so long that they etched a niche on my being.

             'I have seen [ smelt ] the fragrance of those eyes,

              Don't spoil it by alleging  relations,

              It's a realization to be felt only by your being

              Don't call it by any other name,

              Let love be love !'

Love, a many splendored thing. Or is it? It always defies the definition. What exactly it is! Is it profound feeling, an emotion felt for someone from within or just a passing phase of mind or age that vanishes in a fleeting second as the time matures. Does it really evolve over the years just by sharing the lives or the ones who are in,  plainly get habituated to each other! I don't know, I really don't know.

The word is so oft-repeated that I feel over the years it has lost its shine especially in today's youth. Nowadays they fall in love at the drop of hat but fall out of it, equally fast ! Breakups too are celebrated with full gusto! I won't call it lust but infatuation, definitely yes. Maybe play of Hormones taking the front seat, And naturally as they wane, the feeling fades too! In my generation it was for keeps, it was endeared, nurtured and it was vowed to walk into the sunset together. I have my own doubts about how many of them really walked with content and not because, it is ought to be done, so it is done!

Love at all other levels connotes totally different vibes. The Sense of longing along with belonging taking the upper crust! The human mind plays so many tricks that many a time it acts schizophrenic. It wants to belong but without getting assimilated totally! Paradoxical to say the least! That sense of self-preservation, [ego ?] transcends all the relations, including love. And so it boils down to, if you love yourself at the outset,  you may be in a position to share. Maybe!

The Indian concept of love always went through spiritualism. 'Oneness' in totality! Not two but one! Two different individuals, born differently, brought up differently, belonging to different genders, with different thinking base are expected to be or at least should try to be  'One', only because they are tied together under one pretext or the other, call it love, marriage, friendship or any near relation, say a mother and her children, siblings or even the artificially carved out concept called, the 'Nation', whatever! How it is possible, I dare not think, it's totally insane! In the end, it becomes so mushy that one feels 'Ugh'!

And Love does not come alone. It carries along with it, the baggage of similarly hollow prepositions! Sacrifice, taking the top seat. Should we call it vanity, just to pass the bar you are ready to forego with your ultimate, your being! Self! In today's times, it hardly seems possible even probable but we are fed with anecdotes after anecdotes of so-called 'Sacrifice for Love' till ad nauseum !

At one level there is every ground to think that the hyped connotation is coined by the bookworms! Our writers, mostly poets !! First Love for the first time! Sorry? Why not the first love for the third time or is there forth love the second time, for a change ?! The one who writes thus is always is in his 80s, who longs for the youth but the dentures do not allow even, to utter the word 'Love' properly! The boy or the girl who are in love, really in love for the first time, do not even realize that ' This is it !' Ask me !!
Be honest with yourself and ask, 'Have you found love, true love in any of your relationships'. No ifs and buts. And no par lances! We all run after that elusive foundation, Love throughout our life that is ultimately reduced into a futile chase to reach the other end of the rainbow !

Yes, it does give you positivity, both the word and the feeling, unfortunately, it does not last long. For perseverance in life, one requires so many other things to move on, So move on!