Single Child

Neither I am one nor I have. What prompted me to search on the subject was a young girl in her early teens, of course, single child, with peculiar problems. Most of her problems seemed minor ones but the parents were not happy. Especially the mother. Actually, it was sort of deja vu. Around two decades ago I had a similar case, a girl in early teens appearing for some important examination came to see me, accompanied by her mother, single parent, as the husband was working abroad. Again an Only Child. That's how they are referred to as, in medical literature 'Only Children' who do not have any type of sibling, half, step or otherwise, cousins barred. Every time, when the daughter tried to communicate with me, mother took the reigns of conversation in her hands and spoke for her daughter thus.' We are tired of studies, We do not want to put in more than 4 hours even though the exams are this near. We do not like homemade food but prefer junk food. We rather than playing outdoors, love to watch TV for hours.' She went on and on. The rules imposed were strict, expectations were sky high and the tone was that of patronizing. The mother did not have the opportunities so she was trying her utmost to make them available for her daughter. The word that jarred me the most was 'WE'! Having only child and husband being away, this lady, the mother was so involved, rather was so much interfering with the life of the child that her very right to be an individual was being snatched away. It was as if a working unit of mother and daughter! I tried to counsel but it was too late!

And this time it clearly dawned upon me that the problem is not with the child but with this species, the Mother!

Any specimen from this special species, is highly educated and qualified [ both are not the same, necessarily], sitting at home, either by choice or out of other compulsions, a non-working mother who Dotes, Loves, Cares Cooks for her single, Only child, 24 into 7 ! And that becomes her only passion, profession, goal, aim, to carve out an exemplary adult out of her not so above average child! Thus starts the interference with the life of a child that continues even after they are beyond milk-drinking age, metaphorically and in a truer sense also! If the only child is the daughter 'God Forbid...!'

She takes decisions not only about his/her hobbies but with whom the child should befriend! If the standards are not met with, on any level, the friend is cut off though the child vibes well with him/her. One of my aunts cut off many such friends of my cousin, an only child, but every time he went ahead and befriended one of his kind, which my aunt never liked but never realized that it was her son who wanted so! 

Once, one of my acquaintances had come to stay with us, as her 'M.B.B.S.' daughter was to appear for 'M.D.' entrance exams. While we chatted away, this mother of a daughter, checked ten ball pens whether they were writing good or not, so that the child should not face any problem while writing the answers! Another one was doling out instructions after instructions to her only son who was pursuing a degree in higher engineering at out of the station prestigious institution, so naturally was staying in a hostel! She was just not allowing him to bloom on his own terms at his own will! Another one, 'Only' daughter forced her husband to give up his high post lucrative job in plush Europe to take up one in the arid Middle East where expatriates live life in nothing but Ghettos!

The values to be inculcated are not done at the gunpoint! Children pick them up while growing up, by observing their near and dear ones, especially their parents, how they behave in the given situation, are they true to their word, is the love true, are they pushing too much, Oh, it depends on so many things! And there is a certain age to imbibe, beyond that, the child either becomes mama's boy, thus getting ridiculed by the peer or rebels, that's but natural because in my opinion the one who does not rebel by raising the questions against the ill-conceived traditions, is not fit enough to call himself a youth! To rebel is the right of youth!

Unfortunately, the phenomenon is new to Indian society where multiple children is still a norm. Only recently this trend is catching on. So we don't have much research on the subject in the Indian context! Because of 'One Child' per family' policy in China, the subject was studied extensively, but there too, the focus was on the child and not on the circumstances those forced the child to become what he/she turned out to be! Wisely policy was withdrawn in 2005 for a multitude of reasons. Increase in crime rate being one! Consensus among-st the researchers is' These children do not have 'Agreeableness'. Naturally, as the indulgence by the parents especially the mothers, in Indian context 'Non-Working' mothers is beyond agreeable limits, which is done in full faith that 'It's done for the well being of the child !' Sorry I disagree, If you don't want your child to rebel, leave the noose, loose!